An Open Letter to Matthew R. Bettenhausen

July 1, 2006

Attention Matthew R. Bettenhausen
Executive Director
Governor's Office of Homeland Security

Dear Sir:

I am gratified to learn from the Los Angeles Times that, in your courageous,
unrelenting struggle against terrorism, you have monitored the activities of
the dangerous animal rights activists in our beloved State of California.

It seems that California Homeland Security was out  in force monitoring the
activities of an animal rights rally outside the Canadian consulate office
in San Francisco to protest the hunting of seals.  Kudos to you for this
defense of the fatherland (sorry,  I mean the homeland).

The purpose of this letter is to report suspicious terrorist activity right
here in my own neighborhood.  And, mind you, it is a family neighborhood, so
that means that our precious children - the hope of the homeland's future -
are at risk!

My neighbors, Mr. Bettenhausen, are vegetarians.  And they are absolutely
unrestrained zealots, motivated by a passion for the love and protection of
animals that strikes fear in the hears of any rational person.  We are at
risk, here in Altadena.  Who knows where this fanaticism may lead?

My own fear is that, because they are apparently always so hungry, so
anemic, and protein deprived,  that they will turn to cannibalism.  It may
sound far-fetched to you for me to suggest that  there is a danger that they
may feast on the tender bodies of our neighborhood homeland children, buy
please hear me out!  They value animals so far above humans that this is in
the realm of possibility.  Certainly, if given a choice, they would dine on
an infant's succulent toes, rather than, say,  the legs of a frog or
chicken.

I see that your California Office of Homeland Security coordinates with that
stout band of brothers, the California Highway Patrol (who are often seen in
our neighborhood blocking off streets so that Hollywood may make its soaps
in an upscale setting, rather, than the seedy areas of, say, South Los
Angeles).  Please inform the CHP of my concerns and be so  kind as to
contact the Altadena sheriffs as well.  In defense of the fatherland I will
certainly do my patriotic duty to name names and identify potential
evildoers.

As a patriotic citizen concerned about the welfare of my neighborhood, our
children, and, indeed, that our  land of liberty, protected by the world's
oldest living constitution and Justices Scalia and Thomas, I beg you to
protect the children of Altadena.

Sincerely,



Keith F. Shirey
Post Office Box 505
Pasadena, CA
91102